White Mischief aka Rabid Giraffes Wear Merkins

Don't watch this film!

Film opens with two posh twats in a London tube station during an air raid.  One of which is the delightfully young Hugh Grant.  Cuts to posh twat polo in Kenya.

Different posh twats at a respectfully decadent wife swapping party with a naked woman just standing there for our viewing pleasure.  Scene moves to respectful daytime club for posh twats with introduction to London female posh twat (who seems to be married to posh but financially challenged Josh/Jock) of all the main characters by another posh twat.  Characters include a testicle shooting Sarah Miles and a cad called Joss, played by the lush baddy from Jewel in the Crown.

A beautiful desert shot heralds a visit to a posh twat farm where female posh twats discuss poisoned land and sex.  Male posh twats shoot guns at pineapples which are replinished by a daring servant who miraculously avoids being shot.  London posh twat given a tiny gun to have a go and thus (if I remember the film*) is set up from the beginning as a murderer by male posh twats.  Then a spot of delightful voyeurism of London posh twat then some children at a party, with all the main characters returning.  Josh/Jock chats money with chaps, female twats discuss men.  Must find out name of London female twat but can’t hear much for the sound of the band.  Aha, we are now at the races again and posh London twat is called Diana!

Posh twats in sea.

Diana is now snogging my Charles Joss in the sea and they seem to have hit it off big time.  Diana goes home and Jock gives her a creature in a box.  Now it’s all fun and games at the Gin Palace where everybody is cross-dressing.  How hilarious!  Now where’s my martini?  Oh gawd – my Charles Joss has gotten awfully domestic and wants to marry Diana and luvs her.

OMG  Rab C, Nesbitt is in Kenya as well.  Is a cattle farmer apparently, but being called Mcpherson by Josh/Jock – obviously he doesn’t watch much tv.  Another beautiful desert shot before returning to respectful posh twat dining room, and then back to the desert where Diana is being naughty with my Charles Joss, but she must be a bored with his cod philosophy.  I am.  But alas, she apparently luvs him too *barf*.

Taking the phrase 'giraffe merkin' too far!

Ooh, there was a very brief glimpse of a giraffe, and Josh/Jock tells Diana he is taking her away to Ceylon before going to visit my Charles Joss to tell him off for being indiscreet with the affair and to knock it off now for the sake of Diana.  Now back to a respectfully decadent club.  My god, what’s the point of filming a movie in Kenya and only showing posh twat places.  Standoff between my Charles Joss and Josh/Jock – the latter loses.  Wish I was watching Jewel in the Crown – Art Malik lives there.  Turns out that Josh/Jock has promised Diana that if she were to fall in love with somebody else then he would not stand in her way and give her 5k a year for seven years.  In the words of his friend, Josh/Jock has been a bit of a chump! 

Woo hoo – a train station with lots of ethnic costumes.  Only briefly though as no scene in this film lasts any longer than a minute.  Gawd I’m bored of this film.  Josh/Jock has just bizarrely, at breakfast, asked for the small gun to be put in the armoury at the same time that his errant wife and her posh introducer friend June turns up.  Shock horror – servant comes back to say gun is gone.  Police are informed. 

Fetch another bowl for Josh/Jock won't you handy free servant. old chap.

Dinner is arranged at the club to show no bad feelings exist between Diana, her husband and her lover  June the introducer is invited too.  That sounds jolly.  A one minute dinner is had then wife and lover leave the cuckolded husband with June the introducer.  Josh/Jock ends up drunk on floor then scene changes (of course) to a club with all the main characters where money is discussed ad nauseum then after a minute the scene changes to introducer friend June taking Josh/Jock back to his home and putting him to bed, then when she leaves he is immediately sober.  Nice one Josh/Jock.  Next minute scene is my Charles Joss being shot in his car.  Very suprising – I almost cried (of boredom).  Diana seems a bit shouty after being told this by a telephonic well wisher.  Body on slab is visited by lots of women.  Could there be a more unsubtle film?  (Actually I can safely say Slumdog Millionaire is more unsubtle)  Sarah Miles is a bit naughty at the slab, ooh er missus! 

Tiger modelling boring judges wig.

Now at court.  Why do the legal people have to wear such boring wigs?  What would happen if they turned up with a glittery wig?  Seems Josh/Jock is on trial.  Hysterical woman in the witness box.  Saved from a bit of the trial by a real life child who had had a nightmare which could have been nowhere near the  nightmare of this film!  Came back to something about guns for a sec before the scene inevitably changes.  Back to court and Josh/Jock is doing a Tony Blair in the witness stand.  Great performance.  Says he was pleased by his wife being admired as one is always pleased when one’s possessions are admired.  Nice.  Verdict of not guilty is unsurprisingly returned and we move quickly onto another party scene.  Diana cries a lot as the rain starts – nothing like a bit of subtlety is there?  How do these female posh twats keep their highly styled hair do’s in place in such a humid climate?  Perhaps they are all wearing wigs.  Am now thinking about merkins.  And giraffes.

Don't watch White Mischief without a bucket of White Mischief.

John Hurt takes Diana to his farm.  Lots of scenery and Masai.  John likes the Masai “best people in the world”.  Apparently they work for free.  Then John and Diana go to visit the dead Sarah Miles who has just shot herself and Diana steals the dog.  Cue more boringness – I’m off to to make the sarnies.  Come back and Josh/Jock is hunting Diana with a nice big gun, then when he corners her he shoots himself and Diana rides off into the desert on a chipmunk.  I so hope a giraffe goes rabid and puts us all out of this misery.  No such luck.  Now we are at a party in a graveyard with drinking, fiddles and dancing.  Apparently it is Sarah Miles’ funeral and giraffe avoiding Diana has gatecrashed, but the characters are far too polite to mention that Diana is covered with Josh/Jock’s blood and make sure she has a drink.  Then rabid merkin wearing giraffes run amok in the graveyard and the ruling class is dead.  Hooray henry!  The chipmunks are happy too. 

The film ends – thank fuck for that.

*must have been another film I had in mind.